News Clipping: 28/10/08
Scientists in Manchester, UK, have proved after 3 years of coordinated research, that sex is a myth. The project, headed by Dr Edward Healy was initiated after Healy (22) confessed to fellow scientists that he had never witnessed, or been party to, the act commonly referred to as ‘booty scrimping’. “I’d been suspicious of this myth for a long time” states Healy by telephone from his bedsit, “it was so prevalent in books and films that I assumed it must be real but then I considered ‘there’s a lot of dragons in films too, and they aren’t real…’” Buoyed by the enthusiasm of his colleagues, the prematurely balding Healy set forth constructing the $52,000 experiment to catch once and for all what Healy entitled “that elusive sex dragon”.
Heading up an all male team, Healy’s research primarily involved identifying a member of the opposite sex, labelled “inflated chest-men,” to inquire if they would enjoy partaking in “ejaculatory, bumpy hugging.” The results were overwhelming. “After three solid years, not one of the inflated chest-men agreed.” says Healy emphatically “The media would have us believe that we’d ‘struck out’, but as informed and rigorously educated scientists, we can conclude that it’s a hard, throbbing fact; nobody out there is getting laid.” Healy claims the revelation will discredit many in the media world including Russell Brand (“if sex is a dragon, Brand must be a wizard”) and “that buff, young upstart” Daniel Radcliffe among several others.
But what does this research imply for theories of baby production? Healy is less sure. “That’s going to be my next research grant,” he says, having already successfully secured another $52,000. “My hypothesis is when a man loves a woman very much, he stares into her belly button for a prolonged period of time, he thus inseminates the egg, possibly with the help of tiny laser beams from his iris.”
Healy is currently looking for participation from married couples, a group he refers to as “ring-bearing liars”.
